Having To Start Over in Love? Watch This [Video]

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Transcript provided by YouTube:

0:00
[Music]
0:01
foreign
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again actually look like it’s a scary
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time
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it’s a time when
0:13
you the game may have changed
0:16
you may find yourself in a dating
0:18
Paradigm that you just don’t relate to
0:20
maybe the last time you dated it was a
0:22
very different landscape
0:25
maybe it just seems like the wild west
0:27
to you now you don’t even know how to
0:31
get started
0:32
maybe your life has become so routine
0:36
and so you you’ve had a certain kind of
0:39
life for such a long time
0:42
that you’re now faced with a completely
0:44
new way of living a new lifestyle maybe
0:47
your entire social life left with the
0:51
old relationship
0:54
maybe you moved in the process
0:57
maybe you’re living in a different place
0:59
now
1:01
that you find yourself starting from the
1:03
ground up
1:05
what does it actually look like what
1:08
advice would we give
1:10
to someone in this position
1:13
so
1:14
I think it’s worth quoting here John K
1:18
in his book oblique
1:22
where he talks about the idea that the
1:26
best route to any goal is indirect
1:33
that he talks you know if you want to
1:35
make money you don’t Focus directly on
1:38
making money you focus on creating
1:40
something of immense value to people
1:43
making an amazing product making an
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amazing service providing value
1:49
providing entertainment doing something
1:51
that will attract money to you
1:55
um
1:57
and we could talk about our love life as
1:59
being a good case example of that
2:02
concept that there are things if you
2:06
drew a line down the middle of a page
2:08
you could say that on the left there are
2:11
things that are directly related to
2:16
building a love life
2:18
those might include
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joining an app
2:24
approaching people that you find
2:26
attractive going on dates
2:31
and then there would be things on the
2:35
right hand side
2:36
that indirectly contribute to having a
2:40
great love life
2:42
because starting again
2:44
doesn’t just have to mean the things
2:47
that directly and literally relate to
2:50
dating
2:52
it can also involve a lot of things that
2:54
as a byproduct of doing them
2:58
will bring you either more opportunity
3:01
in your love life either because you
3:03
meet more people
3:05
um
3:06
or it will make you more confident by
3:08
doing that thing and that will have an
3:10
impact on your love life
3:13
because you’ll be a different person in
3:15
conversation because you’ll have more to
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talk about because you’ll be able to
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maintain certain standards because you
3:21
have this Baseline of confidence that
3:23
comes from other things that you’re
3:25
doing in your life
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so there are direct ways
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to attract love again and there are
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indirect or as John K puts it oblique
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ways
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to
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start again
3:40
and improve our love life the thing that
3:43
Springs to mind for me
3:45
is the idea that you talk about on your
3:47
retreat map of turning your plan B into
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your plan A
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I think if you’re starting over it’s
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probably not you’re probably not in the
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position that you wish you were you’re
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probably not
4:00
the like the course that you’re you’re
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sort of going through right now isn’t
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the one you anticipated and it might not
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be the one that you
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you know wish was happening
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so I think it’s about almost reframing
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the reality of your situation now so as
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a starting point before anything else
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so that you can actually go into it
4:20
without an energy of sort of regret and
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Melancholy towards how you wish things
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were or
4:26
should have been but rather just
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excitement for what the future has to
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hold with this new plan B which is now
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plan a I always look
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at any stage of my life
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for
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a role model or inspiration or emotional
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reference point
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that kind of aligns with the stage of
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life I’m in
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I remember when I first watched
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Guardians of the Galaxy the first one
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this is gonna sound so silly before I go
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any further in this video I want to tell
5:06
everyone I want to announce to you that
5:08
at the beginning of this new year we
5:11
have just released our early bird
5:14
tickets for the virtual retreat they are
5:17
available until the end of the month the
5:19
virtual Retreat is coming up this June
5:22
and this is the best time to be a part
5:24
of it because we have some special early
5:26
bird bonuses and the early bird ticket
5:29
means you get 200 off the actual price
5:33
of the event so go grab it now what
5:35
better way to kick off your year than to
5:37
guarantee your progress with the virtual
5:40
Retreat go to MH
5:42
virtualretreat.com to grab your early
5:45
bird ticket now
5:46
to the video when I first watched
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Guardians of the Galaxy I was single
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and I had a kind of melancholy at times
5:55
that I wanted to meet someone but I
5:58
hadn’t met someone that I wanted to
6:00
really truly be with
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and
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I remember watching Guardians of the
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Galaxy and Star-Lord
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Chris Pratt’s character
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was this sort of
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single having fun person who was
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gallivanting around the Galaxy just
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making the best of it
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and for whatever it just stuck with me
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as like an emotional reference for like
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I’m all right
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like life’s life’s exciting and it’s fun
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and
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you know there’s Star-Lord and he’s just
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got his ship and he’s going around and
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having fun and making the best of it and
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you know it it like became this weird
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silly reference point for me for like it
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became what I would call on the retreat
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an emotional button
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for the stage of life that I was in
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now that’s no longer like that’s for me
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a reference point that’s no longer the
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same so my reference point may change or
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I might have a new emotional button but
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I would I remember watching The Best
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Exotic Marigold Hotel and thinking if I
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was like
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in my 50s or 60s right now coming out of
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a long relationship and I was finding
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myself starting again
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this movie would be like a fun reference
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point it would it would fill me with a
7:31
sense of adventure for this phase of my
7:34
life it would make me feel like anything
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was still possible it would excite me
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and and that would be an emotional
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button
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for me so I I feel like whether it’s a
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real person in your life that you know
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or whether it’s a movie reference or a
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book that you’ve read that gets you
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excited about something like to me The
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Old Man and the Sea just by Hemingway
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just always makes me feel like I want to
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just be out
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on a boat doing something difficult you
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know like like if it’s whatever is the
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reference point for you that makes you
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feel emotionally connected to the
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excitement of starting again
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that that’s something to draw on look
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for those moments where you feel like
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you’re emotionally connected to why this
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actually
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is a really exciting new phase because
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that’s a great place to start from
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out it’s all about our Focus where does
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our Focus go if your focus goes to
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oh this is so hard and I never thought
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I’d be single again at this stage of my
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life I never thought I’d have to do this
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and it you’re kind of it’s this
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backwards look at how your blueprint
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didn’t the blueprint you had for
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yourself didn’t materialize or or got
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shattered
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but if instead you just go okay well
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that blueprint happened for a while
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but now I get to have an entirely new
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blueprint
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and I can either sit there grieving the
9:08
old blueprint or I can say actually this
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new blueprint can be really
9:13
this can be a brand new blueprint who
9:15
what references do I have
9:18
for that blueprint being really exciting
9:20
and then make those things you connect
9:23
to make that reference point that
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emotional button something you connect
9:26
to every day I think we make a mistake
9:29
always looking at life linear in a way
9:32
like I was this far ahead now this has
9:34
happened and now I’m backwards and I
9:37
think that’s a very narrow view of what
9:40
life is is this idea of I was this far
9:43
up the mountain and now I’m back here I
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don’t really see things like that I
9:48
don’t see my relationships like that or
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you know having relationships I’ve gone
9:54
through in the past I feel like they’ve
9:55
enriched me and given me all these added
9:59
dimensions and wisdom I certainly don’t
10:01
look at it as being back at square one
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every time I think wow I’ve I’m now
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armed with all this different life
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experience and and knowledge and and
10:11
another thing is I have a kind of weird
10:13
thing
10:14
where I sort of love
10:17
the to go to another movie
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I sort of sometimes love the Shawshank
10:23
redemption-esque demand to have to like
10:27
rebuild piece by piece sometimes I love
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it when I’m I’m back against the wall
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shit’s falling down
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and like okay I’m like I sometimes get
10:41
excited about like doing the comeback
10:44
like I’m gonna I’m getting my [ __ ] back
10:47
now I so I completely relate to
10:51
everything you just said Steve
10:53
and I it reminded me of that line we
10:55
were talking about it the other day and
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the the sunscreen
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that that one line sometimes you’re
11:02
ahead sometimes you’re behind
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um but in the a but in the end the races
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of yourself I think it’s that is that
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right is that how it goes something yeah
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I think it says the race is long and in
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the end it’s only with yourself yeah
11:15
sometimes you’re ahead sometimes you’re
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behind
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it’s beautiful
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um it’s it’s it’s great and I think
11:26
Steve what someone might feel listening
11:29
to you is I I can imagine there might be
11:32
some people going
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yeah I used to feel like that
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I used to feel like you know it was fun
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to have my back against the wall and
11:40
have to fight my way out and that was
11:43
kind of a place that you know in my 30s
11:47
or my 40s I could do that but there
11:49
might be some people who find themselves
11:52
in their 50s or 60s
11:55
back out there again at the end of a
11:58
marriage that they thought would last a
12:00
lifetime
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and going
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and have the energy
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I just
12:07
I just don’t I can’t do this again and
12:10
you know
12:11
I
12:13
I may have
12:16
you know yes there may be something to
12:18
learn from coming back from something
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but I feel like I’ve already come back
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from a bunch of things in my life the
12:24
reality of my life today is that I’d
12:28
prefer to have the person in my life
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than the lesson
12:33
I I I’d prefer companionship over
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another lesson about how tough I can be
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not to mention it is harder when you’re
12:43
older to meet people it’s harder to you
12:46
don’t have as much energy to go out and
12:47
date and gallivant around the Galaxy to
12:50
try and find your person it’s you know
12:53
you might have more time it’s possible
12:54
you might have more time ironically
12:57
possible not for everyone some people
12:59
are still working hard at that time and
13:01
making ends meet but for some people you
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might find you you have more time on
13:05
your hands which is absolutely an
13:07
advantage
13:08
but but yeah there is that there is that
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thing that at a certain point you go I’m
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no I don’t want any more challenges of
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this nature I’m not I this isn’t fun for
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me to have to do this all over again
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and
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I
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I really believe
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that
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firstly what has happened to you if
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someone left you unexpectedly
13:41
is that
13:43
is something that will still happen to
13:45
other people in other ways right
13:48
you could be the person whose partner
13:49
died
13:51
and it’s not that they intentionally
13:53
left you but the result is still the
13:57
same and so
13:59
I think we almost have to reframe it as
14:03
what’s happened to me
14:05
is a possibility for anyone at any point
14:10
in life
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this is just a reality of living that if
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I found love I can lose love either
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because someone decides they want
14:20
something else or because life
14:23
happens
14:24
and they’re taken from me
14:28
and really we only ever have
14:31
you know there’s there’s we have the
14:33
choice to just decide I don’t want to be
14:35
here anymore and we have the choice to
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keep living and if our choice is to keep
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living then the next logical thing to do
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is to say what will allow me to make the
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best of it
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what will allow me to make the best of
14:49
this time
14:50
that I have
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and
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I don’t think that it always has to
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start with well let me get back out
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there and date
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I think sometimes we think so literally
15:00
about dating
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that we we almost we end up overthinking
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it there are plenty of relationships
15:08
that start because we were just in a
15:10
certain place a certain time in our
15:13
lives and we met someone we hit it off
15:15
and we decided to have coffee and it one
15:18
thing led to another and we wouldn’t
15:20
necessarily have even seen or labeled
15:23
the process as I’m dating
15:26
you just happen to be a certain place in
15:29
time and meet another amazing human
15:31
being
15:32
and so I think one of the things that
15:34
can help people start again is to not
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overload
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that word dating with so much meaning
15:41
stop thinking of it in terms of I’m
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going to be dating again
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I think that it’s better to start from a
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place of saying I’m going to be open to
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anything that life offers me
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in the way of experiences in the way of
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of new adventures
16:01
in the way of a new season
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I am just going to go in as someone who
16:08
still deep down even if life is
16:10
incredibly challenging right now still
16:12
deep down
16:13
believes that that
16:16
there is something worthwhile about life
16:21
and even if I can’t find it in me to say
16:24
that there’s something magical or
16:26
exciting about life right now even if I
16:28
can’t connect to that
16:30
I’m gonna
16:32
I’m gonna be humble enough to remain in
16:35
a place of curiosity
16:38
about
16:39
what possibilities there may be in life
16:42
either to meet someone interesting
16:45
or to do something interesting or to
16:48
have an experience that turns out was
16:50
actually incredibly rewarding
16:52
I’m gonna remain open
16:55
to that possibility I you know I’ve
16:58
talked on previous episodes about
17:00
dealing with chronic pain and in the
17:04
worst times and for anyone who doesn’t
17:06
know and maybe we can I can do kind of
17:08
an episode on this at some point but
17:10
when I was in
17:12
the worst time of my chronic pain I’m
17:15
not talking about weeks or months I’m
17:17
talking about years
17:19
of being in a certain place physically
17:22
with pain that that had a dramatic
17:25
impact on my life
17:26
and my world view
17:29
um
17:30
in the thing that got me through those
17:32
times
17:33
was not thinking that life is so magical
17:36
because the truth is when I was in my
17:38
worst pain I didn’t connect to the to
17:40
the magic of life
17:42
I had to just remain open to the
17:45
possibility that it might actually get
17:47
better at some point or that that even
17:49
if my pain didn’t get better that life
17:51
might get better
17:53
than my emotions around it might get
17:55
better and I had to remain open to that
17:57
possibility
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and I think that when we’re starting
18:00
again we don’t have to connect with all
18:02
of the magic of life and the excitement
18:03
and won’t it be fun to meet someone
18:05
again and you might not be there you
18:07
might not be in that place
18:09
but you have to at the very least be
18:13
humble enough view it through the lens
18:15
of humility humility is you do not know
18:17
how you’ll feel in a year you do not
18:19
know how you’ll feel in three years you
18:21
don’t know the meaning that will be in
18:23
your life in five years
18:26
so humility is accepting that you don’t
18:28
know
18:29
and therefore remaining open to what may
18:32
come and even
18:34
being more than open
18:36
being proactive
18:38
about
18:40
creating possibilities that may lead to
18:43
different feelings and new people and
18:46
maybe even new love I’m a huge believer
18:49
in
18:51
the
18:53
things that we can do
18:56
socially the things we can say yes to
18:59
that we wouldn’t normally say yes to the
19:01
activities we can experience that we
19:04
haven’t experienced before and even some
19:07
of the things we’ve convinced ourselves
19:08
we don’t like
19:09
that we that actually come more from a
19:12
place of fearing those things than
19:14
actually truly disliking those things
19:16
that if we start to say yes to some of
19:19
these things and truly build a new life
19:24
that becomes the gateway to everything
19:26
else it becomes the gateway to an uh
19:28
personality changes
19:30
becomes the gateway to growth it becomes
19:33
the gateway to meeting new people new
19:36
conversation new love
19:38
and that then becomes the Catalyst for
19:42
finding love as a byproduct if we want
19:46
it and the most powerful way I have that
19:49
you can do that is by joining us on the
19:52
virtual Retreat like I said to you at
19:54
the beginning of this video is coming up
19:56
in June until the end of January there
19:59
are early bird tickets available with
20:01
special bonuses 200 off the normal
20:04
ticket price and it’s an amazing way to
20:08
tell yourself that this year no matter
20:10
how busy we are or how much we have
20:12
going on or how many responsibilities
20:14
there are I am spending the time to get
20:19
where I want to be and to craft the life
20:21
I want to have so come join us by going
20:24
to
20:25
mhvirtualretreat.com and I will see you
20:28
over there thank you for watching this
20:30
video and welcome to the new year
20:33
foreign

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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The post Having To Start Over in Love? Watch This [Video] appeared first on The Good Men Project.